4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
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*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
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Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.