I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
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Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.