Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
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I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
just gave your address to some spiders
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.