My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
You Might Also Like
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.