I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
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My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
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ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.