911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
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*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Only Americans understand
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate