Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
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what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Cake safety first. Always.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”