[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
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Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Raisins are grape jerky.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir