Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
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[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.