DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
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Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Just as the prophecy foretold
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
This could be us but you eatin’
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”