Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
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I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
How is it still this week?
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.