My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
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*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
I’d rather fork than spoon.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.