My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
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*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
☠️☠️☠️
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”