I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
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When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
My kitchen overserved me.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge