LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
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My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?