I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
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I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain