Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
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Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”