I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
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Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔