Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
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Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
peep davidson
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it