[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
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Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
we’re dead?
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice