I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
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“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Good point.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in