Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
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Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.