co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
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friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”