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This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.