3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
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The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I need to update my racial profile.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”