Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
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compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf