Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
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It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid