An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
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DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
(Electricians.)
kids play hide and seek like
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
🤣🤣🤣
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself