Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
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I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?