If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
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#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Still cracks me up
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.