Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
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It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake