Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
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My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Oceanography is all about current events
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring