Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
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ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.