*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Whoa 😂
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.