“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
You Might Also Like
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.