Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
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My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.