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MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
we did it you guys we saved daylight
this was the best i’ve ever seen
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days