Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
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Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob