It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
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Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!