[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
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Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Saturday
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.