Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
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right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.