Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
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white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Go hard or stay average
For the orator and chef in all of us
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to