Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
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When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
this makes me so uncomfortable
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.