Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
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HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.