I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
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Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
it was a valiant fight
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Peter Parker Peter Driver
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.