If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
You Might Also Like
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
[the middle of showering] I need a break
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits