her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package