Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
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Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Basketball
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”