gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
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Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.