If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
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My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Watermelon Boss!
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.